Category Archives: comedy

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When you need to quit your job

This is Kelsey from the Atlanta Zoo. She needs to quit her job.  Shall I elaborate? You may. Kelsey is very funny. She needs to take her Pandas fiction on the road. Employment opportunities await her. She has California breath. You can small it when you walk up on her. It says give me some room. 

I get kicked out…a lot

The end of 2015 and for the better part of 2016 I subconsciously made it my mission.  Places I got kicked out of and in no particular order:

  1. A massage.  The massage tech said and I quote “I don’t think our energies are going to mesh”.  No duh.
  2. Comedy school…they turned the mic off on me. Does this mean I graduated?
  3. Uber…several times.  My current rating is now 3.0 and dropping
  4. My job a.k.a fired
  5. My apartment.  They sent me a letter stating they would not be renewing my lease
  6. My therapist…and let me tell you she was no Dr. Melfi.  She had a hard time living in the present moment
  7. Roommate #1.  He wanted sex and I wanted to be invisible.  It’s my fault.  I let him masturbate in front of me and forgot all about it.  It meant nothing to me but I can understand the mixed messaging.
  8. Roommate #2.  No words.
  9. Roommate #3.  Never move in with family if you can help it.
  10. Thai food restaurant.  It’s not my fault the food was inedible but it is my duty to compliment the chef on attempting to make me throw up.

That almost averages to one a month…impressive!

Weekend Winedown 5/19/2017

Kids. There is never a situation I need to be around a child. My roommate has kids and his daughter asked me if I worked for her dad…doing what? What job would I possibly do here that required your dad to kick you out of your bedroom? I was watching a TLC commercial and the chick asked how would you tell identical twins apart and my first thought was to take a picture of the baby with its name written on it and hang it around its neck…that was my first thought.

Anywho, here is some music I liked yesterday.  Enjoy your weekend!!

Spotify
Tidal

May 11th

8:15 pm 5/10/2017

I’m preheating the oven for some pasta I said I wasn’t going to eat. 8:17, I cut the oven off and laid on the floor and couldn’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Reflecting back on the last 364 days and what has happened:

  1. Moved out of the roommates mystery mansion.
  2. Moved in with a guy who told everyone I was his girlfriend and I played the role. Every minute was a low point. Moved out.
  3. Moved in with the sister. Money this. Rice on the floor that. Slept in the living room because the spare bedroom got turned into the garage because the garage was filled with non-rent paying junk. Moved out.
  4. Moved into my own place. 

Now what. Everyday my head has so many thoughts and at this moment I’m looking for an answer to “is this ok?” 

Trust the process. Tomorrow, somewhere around 10am, will be the anniversary of my retirement.  To celebrate the momentous occasion I’m going to Topgolf. I hope it rains.

“Real Housewives of New York” on Bravo

Seven psychopaths. Old witches meet MTV’s Real World Road Rules Challenge. This is bonkers. They are 50.  I don’t know if anybody is taking notes but all of these women are divorced. Dating doesn’t get better for them they just talk more. Nobody listens to Sonya. I will make your issue about me in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Dorinda the stories she tells are legend. This friendship above anything. How you choose to live your life is up to you. I will be screaming in here in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

I’ve been to a retirement home mixer so I can say this, Frankel’s holiday party had that feel. How many “mashuganas” can one person hear that night over the curtains. Was anybody there on an air tank stroller?  How was midnight bingo?  That sounds kinda fucking cool actually.

Donald Trump is a dead ringer for Ramona. Wild birds.  Jule’s husband was looking around the room for his divorce.  Prediction: Luann’s new husband will also leave her.  What good is freedom if it means being boring?