Tag Archives: golf

May 11th

8:15 pm 5/10/2017

I’m preheating the oven for some pasta I said I wasn’t going to eat. 8:17, I cut the oven off and laid on the floor and couldn’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Reflecting back on the last 364 days and what has happened:

  1. Moved out of the roommates mystery mansion.
  2. Moved in with a guy who told everyone I was his girlfriend and I played the role. Every minute was a low point. Moved out.
  3. Moved in with the sister. Money this. Rice on the floor that. Slept in the living room because the spare bedroom got turned into the garage because the garage was filled with non-rent paying junk. Moved out.
  4. Moved into my own place. 

Now what. Everyday my head has so many thoughts and at this moment I’m looking for an answer to “is this ok?” 

Trust the process. Tomorrow, somewhere around 10am, will be the anniversary of my retirement.  To celebrate the momentous occasion I’m going to Topgolf. I hope it rains.

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Note from your Editor…

I don’t usually watch the Oscars but after hearing about the Best Picture shenanigans I instantly regretted not tuning in.  Luckily Hulu saved the day.  I buckled in and went along for the ride.
The Oscars is a great platform for anyone.  Those lucky enough to be within ear shot of the Oscars should seize the moment.  Jeff Bezos, it’s great to FINALLY put a face to the name.  I live with your biggest fan.  Thank you for 2 hour delivery and one-click shopping.  The insulated green bags, nice touch. The packaging matters but not as much as the speed.  Delivery; delivery is where it’s at. The details are in the packaging and you guys nailed it! You other companies better take notes!

Hollywood is very weird.  What role are you going out for?  Apparently it’s a whore role.  The Oscars was complete fireworks.  Marashalli Ali’s performance, I mean acceptance speech, was moving.  I gotta see Natalie Portman portray Jackie O.  She gets my props off Black Swan alone.  Colleen Atwood won best costume.  She also did costume design for Memoirs of a Geisha (I love that movie).

Kate McKinnon she fave.  “We are having orgasms look at my skin…see look” were the vibes the ladies of Hidden Figures were giving off.  Look for me in Hidden Figures 2: Redemption.

Let me tell you something, a smart ass mouth does not equate to having an attitude or in other words “drama”…they are not equal.  They are not.  Yes, they are equal in that they are words but not equal in that they equate.  I do not have to like ALL the things you do.  I don’t and you can’t make me.

Don’t I look like I just came”? That is a good look.  In fact that is a GREAT look. “See, so relaxed.  Look at me.  Don’t I look good?”  It speaks for itself.  It glows.  The old lady in the wheelchair got my hopes up, I think Taraji’s too.  Did anybody, Marshalli Ali (still trying to pronounce this name), tell her before 5 minutes ago that she was going on stage?  “Thank you very much” and then somebody had to tell you THAT? Thank you very much!!! Picture my mind blown.  Thank you very much.  She was just so surprised. “GET OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR LADY!! YOU DID SPACE STUFF!!.  THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT YOU…CAN YOU HEAR ME?” (that’s me yelling)?  Somebody roll this lady off stage.

They.  Are. Off. Camera sexing…Dakota Johnson and 50 Shades of Grey.  They looked really good together.  I mean they are practicing romance everyday.  Get your freak on…you gotta be good at it by now right?

The Ron Goldman/OJ people, did you know that in order for you to win an Oscar two people HAD to die?  How many people gotta get murdered in order for me to get on? BANG BANG!!  Does that just blow your mind?  Jimmy Kimmel is going in.  She is driving to an interview that is going to change her life and she don’t even know.

As I said I only have 10 minutes. GGGGGGGGGG. Giggity..

Can we hang out WHILE I get this money?

Lin Manuel Miranda in person, what does he look like?  From here, with that voice – NO.  I can see how it worked for Hamilton.  He has a face for Hamilton…I don’t know anything about Hamilton.  From a pic I would go, “Yeah Hamilton”.  It was a tie between Lin Manuel and John Legend as to who I thought would be flying from the ceiling like Peter Pan and just now to my surprise it was John Legend.  Chrissy Teigen has friends in HIGH places.  I fully expected to see Lin in Peter Pan gear swinging above the audience.  Life totally changed.

“Who can wear the prettiest dress?” I was not expecting her face tho.  The camera panned her from behind and from the sparkle of the dress I thought the look would be flawless…but her face – head cocked to the side.  I was not expecting her face.  That’s what a pretty dress can do, distract you from the truth.  She has on “on tv makeup”.  Layers.  If her face melts…rush her to the hospital.

I want you to go home right now.  Dorian Grey. Atalaya: the video game.  Travel into my life as I stunt on you motherfuckers.  Do we have to have a camera crew?  Ah Yea!! They better wear booties before they enter the house – smh and rolls eyes.  Yeah guys my life is fantastic!! I have money…da da da…and a lot of it!!

I live on this 15 acre estate and my big project now is to renovate it.  Finding someone experienced in really expensive home renovations is not easy.  Helicopters are the only way to travel.

23 seconds for an acceptance speech” – is this thing on?  Then the building receptionist walks you off stage?  Los Angeles is Shadyville, USA.  Get curved in LA.  My asshole needs some sunshine.  Oscar, anybody can have one.  

My left arm feels.  In his coffin, they have the Oscars.  700,000,000 etc., et. etc.

700,000,000 etcetera.  I asked Alexa to spell “etcetera” and she spelled Alexa – ALEXA.

Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Beyonc Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya Atalaya

Is that a sticky notes worth of Atalaya’s?  I had to keep it in formation.  Beyonce understands.

He stode up like he was white.  I am a white man!  Excuse me. Look here, I am a white man.  Excuse me.  Excuse me.  Hey.  This chick in this flower dress looks freshly orgasmed.  Good.  My kitty just jumped at the memory of what she looked like in that dress.

ABC cut away from the black tourist’s kiss…not even a kiss to be shown and these 2 people are engaged to be married and you wouldn’t let them have that memory? That time delay came in handy.  What does it take to get an Oscar?

Note to self: watch Bridges of Madison County…Emma Stone knows that dress is Terry Bull.  She wants to take that fringe off so she must be a total bitch.  Her people need to drunk better.

How happy is John Legend?  He should’ve had someone else play the piano so he could work the stage…is he working bigger stages or is he still doing Celebrity Theatre sized venues?  This is no Remy Ma flow.  I will read off the top son. Like Liberace.  He is doing a fantastic job.  The show was superb.  Chrissy Teigen face.  Ryan Gosling look like a nigga who say nigga a lot.  Like a lot a lot.  That nigga say nigga a lot.  The performance was beautiful.  I hope he said “Oh god dammit” when he was done.  John Legend everybody.

I heard no one sucks a dick like Samuel L. Jackson (Lin Miranda).  He never turns down a job.  He will pass that test – what’s in your wallet?

Moonlight Score…robbed.  Sam Jackson looked like he read a card that said this at the top “Now read the part below aloud”.  Obscene amounts of money.  Playing for you good people at home.  Best Original Score say “Justin Hurwitz”.

He said “everybody who worked on screen in this movie” – shade.  What do you mean “worked on screen”?  Scarlett Johanson is my spirit animal, my right tittie.  They had so much good sex Oscar’s weekend.  This Justin nigga just slid back on the mic real quick.  How does it feel dropping names no one has ever heard of?  For me it was weird like god damn this nigga just slid back out here to say these names after he just shaded the off camera folks. I love you mom.  Jennifer Aniston’s Oscar dress…to die…She exuded sex.

My very first trip to LA was sex filled…I was sleep and my getting up to speed was not working.

How do you tell somebody you are going to chain them up for sex and give them everything they desire and more…you tease them.  That would blow my mind.  You want to kill my poorness and until it is all gone you are going to chain me up and f**k the shit out of me and make all my dreams come true…um, yeah!  She lived!

Today I wanted to have a talk with my mom about dog shit.  If she will talk about ice cubes she can talk about dog shit.  I’ve got the perfect person for her to talk to about ice cubes.  Heather Dubrow of the Beverly Housewives.  They can talk all day about ice cubes.  They couldn’t keep their hands off me.

Spirited young man.  He’s an idiot.” Ben Affleck and guest, yeah plus one.  If white people wrote jazz were they also the real slaves?  I have been to a white Thanksgiving and nah.  Nah…I don’t care how many food posts Kim Kardashian post on her blog…you didn’t taste the food.  Eff that.  Just because I dump a bottle of oregano on chicken and take a picture doesn’t make it tasty.  The lighter your skin tone, the less the flavor.  There is a skin tone to salt ratio.  Y’all didn’t invent jazz.  Jazz was invented in someone’s kitchen…who was using a lot of salt.  Salt bae’s kitchen.  Jazz versus white people Thanksgiving?

Amy Adams is almost one color. Gold.  Glowing.

Give me that green light, give me just one night… I’m ready to go right now. Prince.  The Oscars is a television show.  Chelsea Perretti did a great job singing “In Memoriam”.  Lemonade.  We need an “I got fired” party.  For those who got “Involuntarily Separated” from their main gig.

Gay is too serious for me.  The word “Gay” should be rebranded. It’s too broad.  The Oscars is like that movie Popstar…Never Stop Never Stopping. It was a really great show but those fireworks at the end made the show so worth it.  Halle Berry is a THOT.  The message was passed to me and now I am passing it to you. You’re welcome.

Andrew Garfield has that “take me serious” look.  It’s working he is getting work.  His next role will be bones.  Fences may help me understand my parents “giving you life doesn’t mean I have to like you Kenya” said Aunt Lori.  Wow Casey Affleck! He got the shimmery Oscar statues behind him…they were lovely.  Oscars looks great on TV but what if it was on PAY PER VIEW.  That’s right.  You know why…because f**k’em.  F**k’em.  Do you want to be paid bitch YES!! I do!! Please please yes of course.

The name of Bill and I’s porno is “but baby I have breast cancer”.  Get dick queen put on a t-shirt.  Wow, Leo blew me away.  Bill blew me away.  What was the blue ribbon about on the Oscars…this is a mental note for myself to look up that stood for.

Jello shots.  Jello shots is the fruit smoothie I make.  The ingredients are:

  • A bunch of blueberries
  • A bunch of whole strawberries
  • Ice
  • Lemon

Blend. Enjoy

I feel compelled to see Meryl Streep play Florence Foster Jenkins.  I have a hard time believing Meryl Streep is a real person.

Why is Anna Nicole baby daddy sitting on Wendy’s couch asking for handouts?  Doesn’t he know Uber is always hiring and he can make upwards to $1500/week?  Maybe he is auctioning off his daughters virginity like the movie “Taken”.  Girl, mind your hymen around him.

Emma Stone and Leo are blue.  Emma Stone looks like a bitch in real life.  Andrew Garfield made a G.I. Joe remake.  Too stupid to save.

What does “I love you mean”?  To you?  When Empire meets The Big Bang Theory you get NASA’s “Hidden Figures”.  The Oscar Producers hated LA LA Land.  I’m almost certain they renamed the bathrooms LA LA Land just for the Oscars so that they can be gender neutral.  The so-called mistake of awarding Best Picture to LA LA Land, the camera operators were definitely in on it…or Chrissy Teigen.  John Legend’s face when he found out…priceless.  John Legend was totally caught off guard so kudos to Chrissy.  The person who stands out most is the guy who announced the correction.

The Detour on TBS is a great program.  Very well cast.

It was a great win.  What a surprise, am I right?  That movie was so well received it deserved a grand, non-vanilla announcement.  It was movie of the year for the academy.  I really enjoyed the film.  Very well written and acted.  I hope “Get Out” wins best picture at next year’s Academy Award. Moonlight’s director has a great manager, agent – team.

The WHITE HOUSE has informed us that our president will not be watching the Oscars this year.

Jimmy Fallon voice.  F**k Hugh Jackman’s good-bye tour.  Chrissy Teigen fell asleep at the Oscars. How much of a time delay is it?  Hollywood, you like your white girls young and cooky.

 

I write artisan books.  Artisanal.  Crafted by hand.

 

2/25/2017 9:05pm EST

2/25/2017 9:05pm  – 9:46pm EST

>> Click here>> Whoa…then I had to play Black Rob #whoa.  I just heard SHeTher, #RemyMa went in and made her comedic debut at Nicki Minaj’s expense, and I immediately got to work.  I could not be lazy. I could not be still. I am typing this right now. She goes in on this track and you could feel it coming from a mile away. We are overdue for a rap beef.

A lot of things happened today:

  1. I exercised my religious beliefs today and the lady responded with , “now, that’s crazy” LMAO….still funny.
  2. Jordan Peele got an A+ with “Get Out“. Go see that shit so we can talk about it.  If you have seen that shit, let’s talk!!
  3. Master Blaster was in my head all day “jammin til the break ove dawn“.
  4. Billy really does have great taste in music.  He needs to share his playlists with me.
  5. ad23d4e1-7f06-42c1-af67-8a183196d131
  6. Got BLESSED!! Thank you God. God bless you!!
  7. Warmed my hands under Bill’s balls in the Uber.
  8. All Uber drivers…all of y’all need to watch Vampire in Brooklyn…there is one scene in there that is seasoned to perfection for y’alls asses. Also, f**k you too.  If you know your car scent is sour…and I tell you…don’t act like you didn’t know this car STANK.  Stop driving; take your car to your nearest car wash/detail IMMEDIATELY. Two words: tax write-off. Uber I blame you for this. I am sure your customers leaving their jobs or homes, they hate…really hate to have any part of their day ruined sitting in one of your “VIP” level cars not knowing that the driver secretly hates his passengers (yeah fellas it’s mostly you)…GET IT TOGETHER!  YouTube has a bootleg version of Vampire in Brooklyn and if you choose to watch, skip ahead to minute 31:31 and get your life.
  9. Lastly sit back, relax and listen to some Stevie Wonder and roll up…it just feels good.  Here’s one of my faves to get you started: